Monday, March 13, 2006


When I tell people about taking anti-depressants, they give me a sympathetic "I'm sorry" or "you poor thing". In truth, I don't see a reason to be pity. These pills basically say that my depression is not my fault, it's my brain's, and they will fix that. My doctor told me that there's a chance that they may permantly fix my depression! So what's that bad about them?

I'll admit that I was aginst the pills, but I was scared of being the pill-popper. I mentioned it here.

I never said that I didn't believe that the pills wouldn't work. There was no doubt in that. I just was hoping I wouldn't need them to be happy.

Monday, March 06, 2006


This is a message to my parents. When I think back about the good times, I realize that I wasn't acting as if you were over my shoulder, frowning at me. I wasn't worried about what you would think if I came home at 2:30 in the morning or thta I went on a date instead of studying for my exams. I was happy thinking about what I wanted from here and now.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

How I Made Up My Mind 

My mom's probably on the phone at work right now, buying three plane tickets to Poland. One's for Patrick, who's staying for two months, and two are for two and a half weeks for both Mom and ... me.

Yes, I'm going to the wedding. Why? Well, in the long run, there's no real reason why I shouldn't go and I might as well make my cousin happy. I figure that if Mom's going, it might not be so bad to tag along. It also gives me a great excuse to get into shape. I can also see if my perceptions of the place were as bad as they once were. Besides, I'm a traveller; if I haven't gone anywhere out of Ontario in a year, then it's been wasted.

And it's not like it's my money being spent. Mom's buying the tickets and is probably going to buy my dress too. And the shoes.

I'm really hoping that it's not as bad as I think it's going to be. Most of the time, if I'm dragged to an event, I end up having a good time because I figure that I've got nothing to lose. If nothing else, well, my Polish might improve.

Monday, February 27, 2006


Everyday at work, I have to greet each customer with a smile, despite how upset or stressed I am. When I was still taking dance, I had to smile throughout each performance, despite how tired I was or how much I was planning to quit. When I met with relatives or old acquantinces, I have to smile despite the fact that I really don't want to be there.

I'm tired of having to fake more smiles than actually smiling. I'm tired of trying to convince myself that I do mean it when I say "Enjoy your show" to every bastard customer when I really want to say "Go fuck your mother." I'm not happy. I'm not enjoying the presence of your company. If I was, do you think I would have to take happy pills?

Sunday, February 26, 2006

How to Spend a Week 

This past week was my Reading Week, so I booked it off work to relax and enjoy myself, since I was nearing a mental breakdown beforehand.

It was the best week ever. Monday, I met up with Sam and donated blood. It went much better than my first time. Why? It might be because I knew what to expect, or that the nurse used my right arm instead of my left and it went faster, or that Sam sat with me through the whole procedure. Even though some of her comments weren't helpful ("I don't mean to scare you or anything, but that needle is HUGE!"), it was great to see her and catch up.

I made Tuesday my lazy day; not even venturing out of my room. Wednesday, I went to Kay's work and we went shopping afterwards. Before you roll your eyes, the last time I bought clothes was for New Years: a shirt. The time before that? For Florida. I don't shop very often and, truth be told, I don't really enjoy shopping either. I bought 2 jeans, a shirt, and a lightsabre for Patrick.

I went to Kevin's house Thursday. We watched Finding Nemo, and went to the Aquarium Store for stuff for Kevin's new saltwater aquarium. I felt kinda dumb squealing "Look! A Dory fish!", but it was to be expected after watching a Disney cartoon.

Friday, both Kay and Kevin came to my place to play video games. We hung out like we did during the summer, which was something we all missed. I baked lasagna, which even Kay braved to try. Kevin's slushie craving turned out to be a small grocery shopping expedition. After Kevin left, me and Kay both sat down to watch the 2 hour AFV special.

Yesterday, I went to a hockey game with Heifa and a bunch of her friends. I can't tell you who won (just so you know, it was a local game) because we took many trips to find good hot chocolate, bathrooms, candy, and batteries. Later, we all went out for wings and I really enjoyed myself among so many strangers. The best conversation was "Your momma!" "Go back to Mexico!". I came home at 2:30, which is by far the latest I've ever been out.

I woke up 1:30ish and have work in a few hours. But I'm so ready for it. Bring it.

Monday, February 20, 2006


My first secret. And this is kinda self explanitory. I miss all of my friends. Even though I'm seeing Sam today and we're going to donate blood together, I couldn't help but feel lonely last night. I was even hoping that my best friend from Grade 2 would call me.

This is a collage of all the pictures that I could find of the friends I've had from all walks of life. I actually did this collage during the winter break when I had nothing better to do, and attached the words "Done, but never finished" to it. The words indicate that even though the collage is done for now, it will never be truly finished because I know that I'll make more friends in life to add to this collage.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

How You Need to Let it Out 

I'm considering doing a PostSecret segment here once a week. I'm too cheap to actually make a postcard and then send it in, so I'll just post them here. Maybe I'll attach a story to them. I know this blog was somewhere that I could tell the world my deep dark secrets, But spending time to make them look presentable makes them that much more special. I'll add on more if I decide too.

[*editor's note: I liked the idea so much, that I went ahead and made four postcards. Come back every Monday to see them and the story attached to them!*]

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